"I love my sparkle shoes! I am a total fairy."
"Are you?" He said. "I mean, I totally get how one might say that. You sure look like one at times," he said, laughing.
He continued "But in reality, you are actually extremely bold, powerful, strong, unyeilding. Not quite fairy like.."
"You are a powerhouse" he said. "Time to own that too."
I AM a powerhouse,
and it IS time I own that too..
Photo by the amazing, creative George Winchell
Inspired by Jonathan Gritz
"For a relationship to be 'not right' it only takes one person to recognize that. And if you are the person receiving the 'no' you just haven't realized it.. yet."
-- Arial from (h)opportunity
I pride myself on being "in the game" of relationship and connection, and I know that rejection is just a part of that game...
When those inevitable rejections come, I often tell myself that this person sees something I don't about our connection and perhaps they (and the universe) are saving me time/energy in the long-run. Can't prove it, but it sure feels better than the alternative. Anyways, this quote sums up that feeling..
Photo by Chelsea Smarr & Dan Davis
A jump... Into Slowness
I met a guy..
I feel like all my stories start out this way.. !?
I met a guy, who invited me to jump.. into slowness.
From the moment I laid eyes on him in a lecture on the Science of Attraction (talk about serendipity), my body was pulled towards him.,
I walked into the lecture and there he was, red shirt and a back of a head, and my first thought was "whoa."
Never seeing the face of this human, I plop myself down about five paces from him and sprawl out on the floor Krysta-fashion. But I could not get him out of my head..
I sit there telling myself to focus on the speaker in front of me, but my head just keeps spinning.. "go,go"
I try to ignore the pull and realize it is futile- I'll be thinking about him the entire class if I don't just go over...
And so I do. Quickly meeting eye contact and looking away as I sit next to him, I whisper "I have a desire.. I keep thinking about touching you. Would you be open to me sitting beside you during this class?"
I think he smiles under his mask- I can't tell. "Yes" he says "I'd love that."
His voice is deep and warm and inviting. I sit next to him and my "second attention" is on him the entire class. As the lecture spins and my mind twirls with info on attraction, my energy body and physical body is attuning to him. We swirl in light touches and half a dozen cuddle positions, all in the midst of other humans quietly in their own spaces watching the lecture.
We breathe together and I hear the low hum of a happy sigh of relaxation and others of quiet but deep pleasure. Our world is a mix of breath, slow movement and touch, and vocalizations- a quiet underscore to the lecture, noticable to only us..
I never got his name or digits during that interaction, but we have connected since and today, this human reminded me of something I practice with my clients and also need to practice more myself..
In my practice, I encourage taking sex or penetration off the table, so that the "goal" can be lost in the pleasure of being with what is...
And yet, with this human, I notice my own bias towards a "goal", not of sex, but of connection- a special connection I find with him, of physical/mental/emotional/spiritual connection.
I notice wanting to "be wrapped up in him" in all of those ways, to jump to more connection and closeness, because it feels so good. And I just want to be there with him.
And he keeps saying... no. No to my advances, no to my push for more.. while also being right there beside me, holding our current connection with love and ease.
He says "No, Krysta. Do not come any closer. Right there is perfect." And I just want to run at him, or away from him, to convince him to come closer, to listen to the feelings in my body that tell me to move closer. Or to just run away..
And it made me realize..
Here I am, teaching my clients to take away the goal, but am I also doing this? Can I practice what I preach?
Can I want more connection and closeness and also revel in the distance? Can I go on a hike with this human, wanting to touch him the entire time, and hold the distance between us? Can I allow the pull that I feel towards him to be one of pleasure and reveling instead of the discomfort of wanting to be closer and not having it? Can I go back to that lecture with him and hold my desire for him? Instead of acting on that voice in my head that wouldn't leave until I went and touched him, can I allow that voice to bother me, with pleasure? Can I feel as much pleasure from looking into his eyes and knowing we want to be close as actually physically being close?
I can surely bring my whole self to that practice.
I don't know how it will be. But I do know that when I jump into something, I jump into the deep-end. And this time, the jump... is into slowness.
Photo by Ross Lewin at Interfusion Festival
A soft voice whispered to me slowly, "Would you like to learn something?" His inquisitive and quiet eyes looked at me, as if he was kindly peering into the depths of me.
As if it pulled by a magnet, my body leaned towards him, registering something before my conscious mind could. I answered faster than my brain could register "yes.. yes I would."
It was my first "Energy Play Party" and I was way out of my element. There, in the middle of the room were 5 people surrounding one human. One was at her head, two at her feet, and two straddled on top of her in different directions. She was screaming, with ecstasy, and I was overwhelmed. We had just learned how to direct energy to another human for their pleasure and honestly, this being my first experience with energy and tantra- it felt in my body like I was in the middle of a bunch of humans hitting each other with energetic foam bats; It looked like they were having fun.. but to me, it felt like a lot.
As I heard the soft voice and this human crawled over to me, my body immediately relaxed.
"Yes," I said, "Yes I would."
With that, he laid down, belly facing up and invited me to sit on his chest, directly over his heart. As I got into position, every movement we each made, was so... slow... as slow as our breath. The pace of my movements mirrored him. Or perhaps the pace of his movements mirrored me- I don't know.
As I arrived on his chest.. "Breathe." "Open." "Relax your belly". His words circled me, and then his touch, slowly placing light touches all along the places that soon became so.. relaxed.
Everything got.. so.. quiet. Like the sound of nothingness you hear when you tune into the sensation of hearing.
Everything was so.. still. And then, I felt the sensation of warmth enter my body from his heart, almost as if it was drawing a line from his heart, through my legs, up my belly and spine, and out the crown of my head. I lifted my head slightly towards the sky and felt it moving between my eyes and into the sky. I felt... like I was floating in expansiveness.
At some point, I don't know when, I felt the urge to touch his ears, his head, in the same way that he touched mine. And the vortex continued as we shifted to seating and then slowly moving around one another, as if nothing else existed but the moment and whatever inch of skin we were touching.
I don't think I "thought" once in that entire interaction- I just "felt"- felt the urge to move, to touch, to breathe, to relax, to open.
At one point, his fingers traced across my lips and my entire body felt an insane pulse of warmth and aliveness, ending at my lips and cascading my body into what felt like a thousand sensors lighting up in and around my body- similar to the tingles you get when your leg or arm falls asleep, but the opposite- I felt tingles of awakeness, alivenesss, warmth.
At one point, I remember us both falling into laughter- as if we were both in awe of what was happening but laughter was the only real way to express it. I remember him asking "Where did you come from?" and feeling the same way about him..
The appreciation, the trust, the feeling of being understood in this new place...
and then, the voice of the organizer of the retreat, Moniqe Darling, saying "Hey guys, time to head out."
It was then that the world around the two of us came into focus and I realized-The room was empty.. and 6 hours had went by..
Apparently, Monique Darling had come to check on us twice before, the party had went on for a few hours, all the participants had left at different times of the night, and I had not noticed... one bit of it.
It was as if a bubble had formed around me and this human and the laws of time and sound didn't apply to us- We were in our own world....
I left that evening with the recognition that this was a moment in life that my mind and body would never forget and that I wanted more of THIS.
That was 2 years ago, and since then my relationship with this amazing human, and the energy world, has deepened. Since then, I have assisted at 2 of his Energy Trainings- navigating fear, desire, and a million hours in just a few weeks- as it goes with energy. I've had my first heart-gasm, my first full-body energy orgasm, food-gasms, sound-gasms, and pleasure and openness in my body that just continues to expand.
I wish I knew how to put into words what this human and this Energy World means to me. But I really can't. Instead, I'd like to invite you to come experience it for yourself.
I will be assisting the "Energy Master" Lawrence Lanoff at a few events in the next couple of months:
The In's and Out's of Energy Sxx - Sat April 30
Tantra Massage Secrets for Everyone- Sun May 1
AND, if you want to go DEEP, come play with us for a week or two in Austin in July!!
Austin TX Energetic Sxx Facilitator Training w/ Lawrence, Monique, & Peter
**If you plan on going to any of these events, please reach out to me or let Monique know I referred you.. Helps us both get discounts in the future!
**I also teach a lot of these practiees in my one-on-one client sessions as well.. PM me for more details <3
Can't wait to play with you in "energy world" soon!