IS IT REALLY YOU?
Doing something that isn't really your jam...
and then feeling anxious/ upset/ out-of-place...
and then telling yourself it's your fault and something must be wrong w you...
IS LIKE a bird diving into a fishbowl,
not being able to breathe
and then blaming himself
"I'm defective," he says...
Furthermore, telling yourself "if I only could adapt"
or "if I could just fix something about myself and this would feel different"...
IS JUST AS EFFECTIVE
As the bird in the fishbowl thinking a wetsuit will solve his woes...
Sure.. perhaps an oxygen tank would help...
But the bird STILL AIN'T a fish...
REMEMBER: You (and this bird) aren't defective. It's probably just the context
"Getting yours needs met is non-negotiable. It may not be the way you want it, or by whom, but it must happen."
Billy Lee Myers
This got me thinking about the bridge between our inner world (desires and needs) and our outer world (the real world):
-- Too much weight on our inner world: Results in trying to "force our will" on the outer world, controlling, manipulating
-- Too much weight on our outer world: Results in "victim mentality," lack of action, entropy
-- Equal Balance- Flow, natural unfolding, openness
Here is the activity I use to balance the two:
What is my perceived need/desire?
What are the themes hidden here?
Is there a way I can reconstruct these themes so that I can get my need/desire met in a way that is congruent with the reality around me?
Need/Desire- Vacation in Aruba with my best friend
Reality- Can't afford that vacation right now (timewise or money-wise), my best friend isn't available
Themes- need for a break from work, desire for warmth and sunshine and love from a dear friend
New Reconstruction- 3 day weekend where I invite three of my closest friends for a device-free weekend at my house with a "you are my sunshine" theme- everyone wears yellow, we play that song in the backgrounds long with some Carribean music, drink martinis, play some outdoor games, and have quality cuddle time
Side-note: Bridging the reality of ones inner world (desires and needs) with ones out world (the real world) is not always easy. But it IS the place we play in, whether we want to acknowledge it or not. Mastery is having the tools and wisdom to do it well.
There IS a place where my desires and reality meets. THAT is the place I want to be..
Speaking of besties, I'm missing this girl so much Sofia Spolaor Etges
Myths around Se*
Myth: All people should want pene+rative se*.
Fact: Many people PREFER (or are at least available for) other types of se*ual play or intimacy that do not involve pene+ration- cuddles, making out, energy play, massage, food play, power-play etc!
--I give myself permission to have the se* I LIKE to have, not the
se" I THINK I SHOULD be having.
--I give myself permission to have the intimacy I LIKE to have, not the intimacy I THINK I SHOULD be having.
"I'd like to connect intimately with you. I want to be clear that I am not interested in any form of pene+rative se*. Would you be open to exploring with me while honoring that boundary?"
"Would you be open to co-creating a sensual experience for us that did not include any form of pene+ration? Could you allow yourself to fully be present and fulfilled in an experience that did not include that?"
"I'd love to tell you about some sensual things I like that do not involve pene+ration..."
Intimacy is so much more than putting X into Y. And personally, I think that "much more" is why we "put X into Y" for anyways. Let's shoot for that instead..