*Three-ish years ago:
It was my first "Sensual Party.."
And I was scared. My body was trembling and I had on about three layers of clothes to hide my sexy outfit..
I walked into the event and..
Earlier that night, as I dressed for the party, I put on a sexy black bra and a sheer lace top that hugged my body perfectly,
My partner looks at me and says "You know, you could totally not wear the bra.."
"What?" my eyes scream at him wildly. Really?
"You look great" he said, "And I think it would be a great stretch for you.."
As I walked into the event, my eyes immediately dart to the table, where I take a deep breath and start to unlayer.
Without looking at anyone, I slowly unzip my final fuzzy blue jacket..
I hear my partner's voice, halfway across the room: "Doesn't she look beautiful tonight?"
And I look up, to see the eyes of my partner and 3 beautiful men, looking directly at me.
One by one, as if it is the most natural thing in the world, I see their eyes take me in, with awe, appreciation, turn-on, desire, and honor. The words were muffled against the pounding of my heart, but they each took turns expressing their affection with words...
And then turned back to their conversation at hand.
I felt a warmth in my heart and it was then that I realized.. My sensual expression was safe, was okay. That thing that I felt so ashamed of was not only allowed, but it was adored. And it didn't have to mean anything else either.
Moments flashed in my mind: The disapproving look on a parent's face at my choice of clothing, searing words of caution to "not cause trouble".. the choice to wear tom-boyish clothes so as not to draw attention.
And they felt so far in the past. So.. not real.
And I realized, I was enough. My sensual, expressed self, was enough...
And that this was possible. A safe space, for people to be loved, appreciated, and accepted for who they were, without pressure to be or do anything other than that.
And to be celebrate, loved, and adored there.
And now, I am soon to be co-creating my first sensual party (different rules- must have a bra on for this one LOL)..
And I can say that now, I too, create those spaces for others. To realize that they are...
Sitting on the plane, I reached down to my bag to frantically search it..
Nope. No edibles in my bag...
I apparently didn't take anything on the flight.
I searched my memories of that day too..
Nope. No edibles earlier either.
"Then why am I tripping out!?" I said to myself.
As I looked out the window of the plane, despite not having done any drugs, I was definitely on a trip..
The plane looked liked something out a cartoon.. vibrant and the edges were a bit too sharp.
The colors were extra, and the lights from the city.. extremely bright.
I took in so much.. the lights of the city, of the space between the lights, of the darkness of the sky, of the sheer line of the boring old wing of the plane, and the space..
There was so much.. space.
So much so, that for the span of five or ten minutes (who really knows), the things- the lights, the lines, the colors- ceased to have any cognitive recognition of what they were to me.
There was just space... for the things to arise, to be, to express, to impact. Not as any boxed *thing, but just as space, flowing, expanding, expressing.
And in that space, I found wonder. I was awestruck by every mundane line. Even the line on a telephone pole as we landed felt in my body, like the most beautiful and magnificent creation.
"Wow." I thought, as we landed. "It's really is all about space.. What if I could witness the world from space."
And with that, and the ding of a stewardess bell, the trip was over.
Memory from the flight returning from The Transformational Intensive Tantra Leadership Retreat.
"I made a decision in my life. 'Because I'm afraid' isn't a good enough excuse to say no...
There will come a time that I cannot do x,y,z. Maybe my mind or body won't let me. And I'll have to face that then.
But for now, when an opportunity arises, I ask, is it because I cannot (physically), or because I'm afraid.
When it is the second.. I step on stage.. I say yes.. I do the thing.."
-Quote by George Winchill
For many years, personal photos of me were a "no" because I was afraid. I was afraid of my big nose. what I look like, how others will perceive me, how I will perceive myself and my body.
And I still am afraid of confronting those things. But now, I say yes anyway despite the fear.
And beautiful things arise..
Including an amazing photo-shoot with George Winchell, the originator of the quote above.
Thank you George, for confronting fear with me- and the result- playfulness, fun, sensuality, intimacy, and joy- some of which was captured with the photos..
I can't wait to share them! Pics coming soon..
"I'm a yes to you.. but I'm feeling really hesitant about this adventure; I'm tired and I don't know the person you are bringing along- I'm afraid I will be bad company and won't have fun."
Him: "You can choose to go home if you want, but I'd love to have you along on this trip. You can be however you are, we can plan in time for you to take naps and have your space, no pressure to be or do anything, my friend is super chill, and who knows when you will be back in Denver- take the chance?"
I did... and it was so so worth it...
*3 hour road trip through beautiful mountains
*Hot springs at Steamboat Springs
*A beautiful medicine journey
*Deeper friendships with two amazing humans..
So thankful for chill friends who adventure together and let me be me...
Years ago (or even months ago), when someone asked me what I was desiring out if connection with other humans, I might have said long-term relationship, deep intimacy and knowing of one another, sexuality, or building a life together.
Now, I say this. I'm looking to explore energy. And the edges of those energies within and around me as I explore the world and the humans in it.
And while some may look at my actions and read that I am looking for sexuality or relationship or even friendship, that is not actually the case. I already have a core group of humans that fill me up with basic human needs for love, connection, sexuality, and support. I also am getting pretty bad-ass at providing my core needs for myself.
So what I am desiring now, is to build on top of that and to go deeper. To explore energy and it's expansion opportunities inside me. To explore some deep stuff around desire and even selfishness.
So I say this to assert a disclaimer for those wanting to connect. If you are looking for long term commitment or a particular idea/form of connection as an intention, I am not available for that. What I AM available for is to explore the edges of energy, emotion, desire, fears, and boundaries and I can't even begin to tell you what might come of that, where it might go, or where it might start.
That could mean a few moments of deep energetic loving connection that lasts for a moment or long-term, or a hell no, or a crazy exploration into some fun "dark" interesting places like shame, jealousy, hatred, disgust, sexual fire, selfishness, and more. I don't know. That it what is fun with energy.
I'll tell you this though, my base intention for myself is to explore these things and to intend on giving presence, love, and net positive to you in that exploration.
It will be wild, it will be fun, it will be interesting, and confusing, and raw, and expansive. And I'm ready for it.