On being.. Bi!
"There isn't a percentage cut-off that proves you are Bi" they said. "You don't have to be equally attracted to men and women... 80% one way or the other, is still Bi... if that is how you want to identify."
What!? Wait.. what!? My brain scrambled for a few moments and flashed through some thoughts.
I'm (pretty darn) straight though.. :
Most of my life I have been attracted to men- romantically, physically, emotionally
All of my relationship agreements and "loverships" are with men
I even had a "men's circle" for my birthday, where my favorite 7 men surrounded me in love and affection
Some of my favorite play party experiences have been with couples where I get to play with the woman
I'm starting to include more women in my inner circle and have a desire for a women's circle for one of my future birthdays
One time, I was invited to travel with a girl "friend" who wanted to explore a physical connection while we were together- something I have only explored with men
I recently went out with a girl "friend" where we held hands and had a quick goodbye kiss and would absolutely consider "dating" a woman
When people have asked me how I identify, I've said "Definitely straight," then lately "Mostly straight- 95%," and then even more recently, "Pretty Straight- like 80%". I asked myself why..
1. It benefits me to "be straight" or "mostly straight"-- Power is often held in the hands of men and "acting straight" gives me more direct access
2. It's easier-- I KNOW how and am GOOD at, my straightness. I am definitely in the shallow end when it comes to women. Asking a girl out, trying to understand what is going on in her head.. kind of like a foreign language
3. I have a gay twin sister and part of me feels like she is the "real-real" and I'm just an imposter-- Having an extremely lesbian twin, I was like "nope, not me, definitely on the other side of things." I guess I never considered that I could be more.. in the middle.
4. I'm kind of afraid of backlash-- Am I using these terms correctly? Am I offending someone in the LGBTQ community (like, in this post for example)? There is so much insider language and communication that I am ignorant of.
5. I'm not a fan of labels-- I don't like boxes to begin with, BUT I recognize that without choosing "Bi" (or another non-hetero) label, then the normative label of "hetero" will be placed on me anyways (as a subconscious lens from others as well as myself)
6. I feel pressure to choose-- There is a story in my head, that to be "legitimate," I have to choose one way or the other.
7. I feel pressure to "get it right"- There is a story in my head that I have to find THE label that will ALWAYS be true for me (as if, it can't change or evolve- which is usually how things go for me)
But the fact is, it is all My Choice. And I get to explore and express my identity When and How I want to. I don't need to prove to anyone. Because It's My Identity, My Exploration, MY Expression, and My Choice.
And, a huge shoutout to ClexaCon and the LGBTQ+ community for being such a welcoming place. Because now I feel like it's My Community too.