On being.. Bi!
"There isn't a percentage cut-off that proves you are Bi" they said. "You don't have to be equally attracted to men and women... 80% one way or the other, is still Bi... if that is how you want to identify."
What!? Wait.. what!? My brain scrambled for a few moments and flashed through some thoughts.
I'm (pretty darn) straight though.. :
Most of my life I have been attracted to men- romantically, physically, emotionally
All of my relationship agreements and "loverships" are with men
I even had a "men's circle" for my birthday, where my favorite 7 men surrounded me in love and affection
Some of my favorite play party experiences have been with couples where I get to play with the woman
I'm starting to include more women in my inner circle and have a desire for a women's circle for one of my future birthdays
One time, I was invited to travel with a girl "friend" who wanted to explore a physical connection while we were together- something I have only explored with men
I recently went out with a girl "friend" where we held hands and had a quick goodbye kiss and would absolutely consider "dating" a woman
When people have asked me how I identify, I've said "Definitely straight," then lately "Mostly straight- 95%," and then even more recently, "Pretty Straight- like 80%". I asked myself why..
1. It benefits me to "be straight" or "mostly straight"-- Power is often held in the hands of men and "acting straight" gives me more direct access
2. It's easier-- I KNOW how and am GOOD at, my straightness. I am definitely in the shallow end when it comes to women. Asking a girl out, trying to understand what is going on in her head.. kind of like a foreign language
3. I have a gay twin sister and part of me feels like she is the "real-real" and I'm just an imposter-- Having an extremely lesbian twin, I was like "nope, not me, definitely on the other side of things." I guess I never considered that I could be more.. in the middle.
4. I'm kind of afraid of backlash-- Am I using these terms correctly? Am I offending someone in the LGBTQ community (like, in this post for example)? There is so much insider language and communication that I am ignorant of.
5. I'm not a fan of labels-- I don't like boxes to begin with, BUT I recognize that without choosing "Bi" (or another non-hetero) label, then the normative label of "hetero" will be placed on me anyways (as a subconscious lens from others as well as myself)
6. I feel pressure to choose-- There is a story in my head, that to be "legitimate," I have to choose one way or the other.
7. I feel pressure to "get it right"- There is a story in my head that I have to find THE label that will ALWAYS be true for me (as if, it can't change or evolve- which is usually how things go for me)
But the fact is, it is all My Choice. And I get to explore and express my identity When and How I want to. I don't need to prove to anyone. Because It's My Identity, My Exploration, MY Expression, and My Choice.
And, a huge shoutout to ClexaCon and the LGBTQ+ community for being such a welcoming place. Because now I feel like it's My Community too.
After working non-stop for almost 20 days straight, I am taking two weeks to relax, enjoy, and fill up my energetic cup.
So far, I've:
Went to a Queer Con with my amazing twin (see pics of blind-folded water games.. we lost)
Watched a bird catching crabs along the ocean
Ran around Santa Clara CA at midnight- dancing on benches, poles, and fountains
Bought a cocktail dress and pink t-rex earrings..
Work is amazing, and I LOVE my job. I also know that for me to be truly present with my clients and offer them the love, energy, affection, and presence they desire, then I need to do the same for myself..
"Create a Ritual"
That was the homework. To create our own sacred evening for ourselves.
One-boarding during the sunset as the lightning struck through the clouds
The light touch of his hand as we sped through a field of sunflowers
Cuddling in as many places around the house as possible
Talking and laughing as he attempted to teach me party tricks
Sensual energy touch
A late-night snack ending in chocolate
Morning yoga and a final goodbye walk
Rituals don't have to be death-and-rebirth ceremonies, They CAN be.
They can also be SIMPLE things like being in nature and chilling with a new friend.
Whatever is ritual TO YOU.
And this was mine <3
On Playing with Desire...
Knowing that I have responsive desire has CHANGED THE GAME for me in my physical interactions.
How I play with responsive desire:
-- I create contexts that work FOR ME (I create the night that will turn ME on and invite my partner into that)
-- I let my partner know what contexts work for me so they choose to help co-create these contexts with me
-- I take as much care of my physical, emotional needs before-hand so my body feels as safe as possible to open into my present moment
-- I inform my partner of my desire-style and let them know what that means for me
-- Part of my "connection speech" is to let my partner know that I may be open to s-x, but I need to have that off the table until it arises as a desire in my body and that it may/ or may not get to that
-- I only play with people that I trust are comfortable with the above and can love/play/co-create with me in whatever level desire arises.
Differing desires styles is TOTALLY OKAY. It is being able to own your style and then co-create with a willing partner that to me, has changed the game..
Finally, after many months, I have the courage to post about my journey to get here..
I was shaking doing this podcast with John McElhenney (and definitely had the nervous giggles), but I am really proud of this. And thankful for John of The Whole Parent for going so deep.
If you were ever curious about my journey and how tantric bodywork has changed my life, this is for you.
My favorite quote: "If I can go into that dark box (sexuality) and help people be just a little bit more themselves and feel good, then that will ripple out into the world... Why explore sex? Because that is the place we are told not to explore, and yet that is the place that holds so much personal empowerment."
<3 <3 <3