A jump... Into Slowness
I met a guy..
I feel like all my stories start out this way.. !?
I met a guy, who invited me to jump.. into slowness.
From the moment I laid eyes on him in a lecture on the Science of Attraction (talk about serendipity), my body was pulled towards him.,
I walked into the lecture and there he was, red shirt and a back of a head, and my first thought was "whoa."
Never seeing the face of this human, I plop myself down about five paces from him and sprawl out on the floor Krysta-fashion. But I could not get him out of my head..
I sit there telling myself to focus on the speaker in front of me, but my head just keeps spinning.. "go,go"
I try to ignore the pull and realize it is futile- I'll be thinking about him the entire class if I don't just go over...
And so I do. Quickly meeting eye contact and looking away as I sit next to him, I whisper "I have a desire.. I keep thinking about touching you. Would you be open to me sitting beside you during this class?"
I think he smiles under his mask- I can't tell. "Yes" he says "I'd love that."
His voice is deep and warm and inviting. I sit next to him and my "second attention" is on him the entire class. As the lecture spins and my mind twirls with info on attraction, my energy body and physical body is attuning to him. We swirl in light touches and half a dozen cuddle positions, all in the midst of other humans quietly in their own spaces watching the lecture.
We breathe together and I hear the low hum of a happy sigh of relaxation and others of quiet but deep pleasure. Our world is a mix of breath, slow movement and touch, and vocalizations- a quiet underscore to the lecture, noticable to only us..
I never got his name or digits during that interaction, but we have connected since and today, this human reminded me of something I practice with my clients and also need to practice more myself..
In my practice, I encourage taking sex or penetration off the table, so that the "goal" can be lost in the pleasure of being with what is...
And yet, with this human, I notice my own bias towards a "goal", not of sex, but of connection- a special connection I find with him, of physical/mental/emotional/spiritual connection.
I notice wanting to "be wrapped up in him" in all of those ways, to jump to more connection and closeness, because it feels so good. And I just want to be there with him.
And he keeps saying... no. No to my advances, no to my push for more.. while also being right there beside me, holding our current connection with love and ease.
He says "No, Krysta. Do not come any closer. Right there is perfect." And I just want to run at him, or away from him, to convince him to come closer, to listen to the feelings in my body that tell me to move closer. Or to just run away..
And it made me realize..
Here I am, teaching my clients to take away the goal, but am I also doing this? Can I practice what I preach?
Can I want more connection and closeness and also revel in the distance? Can I go on a hike with this human, wanting to touch him the entire time, and hold the distance between us? Can I allow the pull that I feel towards him to be one of pleasure and reveling instead of the discomfort of wanting to be closer and not having it? Can I go back to that lecture with him and hold my desire for him? Instead of acting on that voice in my head that wouldn't leave until I went and touched him, can I allow that voice to bother me, with pleasure? Can I feel as much pleasure from looking into his eyes and knowing we want to be close as actually physically being close?
I can surely bring my whole self to that practice.
I don't know how it will be. But I do know that when I jump into something, I jump into the deep-end. And this time, the jump... is into slowness.
Photo by Ross Lewin at Interfusion Festival