*Three-ish years ago:
It was my first "Sensual Party.."
And I was scared. My body was trembling and I had on about three layers of clothes to hide my sexy outfit..
I walked into the event and..
Earlier that night, as I dressed for the party, I put on a sexy black bra and a sheer lace top that hugged my body perfectly,
My partner looks at me and says "You know, you could totally not wear the bra.."
"What?" my eyes scream at him wildly. Really?
"You look great" he said, "And I think it would be a great stretch for you.."
As I walked into the event, my eyes immediately dart to the table, where I take a deep breath and start to unlayer.
Without looking at anyone, I slowly unzip my final fuzzy blue jacket..
I hear my partner's voice, halfway across the room: "Doesn't she look beautiful tonight?"
And I look up, to see the eyes of my partner and 3 beautiful men, looking directly at me.
One by one, as if it is the most natural thing in the world, I see their eyes take me in, with awe, appreciation, turn-on, desire, and honor. The words were muffled against the pounding of my heart, but they each took turns expressing their affection with words...
And then turned back to their conversation at hand.
I felt a warmth in my heart and it was then that I realized.. My sensual expression was safe, was okay. That thing that I felt so ashamed of was not only allowed, but it was adored. And it didn't have to mean anything else either.
Moments flashed in my mind: The disapproving look on a parent's face at my choice of clothing, searing words of caution to "not cause trouble".. the choice to wear tom-boyish clothes so as not to draw attention.
And they felt so far in the past. So.. not real.
And I realized, I was enough. My sensual, expressed self, was enough...
And that this was possible. A safe space, for people to be loved, appreciated, and accepted for who they were, without pressure to be or do anything other than that.
And to be celebrate, loved, and adored there.
And now, I am soon to be co-creating my first sensual party (different rules- must have a bra on for this one LOL)..
And I can say that now, I too, create those spaces for others. To realize that they are...